I have 3 weeks until my girls become kindergartners. It has been a long and hard decision about what to do. Eric and I thought we had made a good choice, but things changed this weekend.
God has really been opening my heart lately and helping me to see my selfish and prideful ways. These aren't things that other people would see in me, but God sees in me and is revealing to me. When it came to Amber's school I realized how selfish I was being. Forgetting that she is God's child, not mine. That it's not about what I want for her, but it's about what God wants for her and what's best for her. I'm always telling the kids, "It's not always easy to do the right thing, but we do it because that's what makes Jesus happy."...I'm feeling God telling me that now.
After a lot of crying and praying and relinquishing control (which is the hardest part) and great conversation with Eric, we knew where the best place was for Amber...at the school I've been fighting against since January.
The choice: Putting her in a school where they don't understand the deaf & hard of hearing, and putting her in a situation where she wouldn't thrive...but where she would struggle. OR, putting her in a school where she will be "normal". Other kids with hearing aids and language issues and a class of 5 other kids where they will get great one-on-one help from a caring, loving teacher who understands them. This school will equip her with everything she needs and teach her to someday be able to say, "Mom and Dad...I'm ready to go to a normal school, and this is what I need..." Until SHE can tell me that, I need to provide the best possible resources for her...and this school does that.
I still can't put her on a bus for 3 hours a day, so I will drive her and pick her up. She has to wear uniforms and it's a full day, 5 days a week. That's hard for me.
Last week at Lisa & Louis', they were having fun and just playing so it wasn't hard for me. At school...it's a whole different world. Amber is not excited about it because she wants to stay with Camryn, and wants to stay with mom & dad. She doesn't fully understand why she has to go to a different school...that breaks my heart. She doesn't understand that she is different. Her best friends are her brother & sister...and they communicate just fine. My little girl will be a kindergartner and I will miss her terribly. But I know this is where God wants me to put her, and I know it's right for her.
Camryn will be at her "home" school...one that's only a couple miles from here. Maybe one day we will transfer her to Amber's school, but we'll see how she does for now. She's is SO excited and ready to jump on the bus (which is a possibility) and she understands why Amber has to go to a different school. She will be gone all day too, 5 days a week. My little girl will be a kindergartner...and I will miss her terribly.
I never thought I would be the mother who cried on the first day of kindergarten. But I will be the mother who cries daily for the next 3 weeks...at least, because it's hard to let go.