Wednesday, April 16, 2008

My ways vs. HIS ways

This battle about school is so draining. I don't know how my friend Jessica does it every year. (I am so lucky to have her as a resource and heart friend who will call and tell me to stomp my feet and be heard and say THIS IT NOT OK!!) I guess I'll know soon enough. I can't believe that my daughter, Amber, is the only 4 year old in all of this county that needs sign language with school. But it appears that way. My options are putting her in a class that is self contained, with 2 other who is a first grader and one who is a kindergartener. But Amber would be allowed to do preschool things on her own. ON HER OWN!? ARE YOU JOKING!? She needs kids her age and she needs interaction and all of that.

At the same time, I don't know that she's ready to just go into a class with an interpreter. I think she'd miss too much. Eventually that's an option, but not yet.

Monday was the first time in years that I cried as long and as hard as I did about this. My brain was (and still is) full of so many different thoughts that I can't sort through them. It's overwhelming. And when I finally fell on my knees to pray and read His words...He told me, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways". (Isaiah 55:8). It was the first thing I read in my devo and I just sat there with my jaw on the bed.

I know I should have peace, and I know as I continue to let go of this I will have that peace. I think as mother I am terrified of making the wrong decision and I think any of my options right now are wrong. I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. But I'm not giving up and I am going to fight because she deserves a mother who will fight for her and that HAS to be me.



JLF said...

Oh my dear friend ... I just so get every emotion you are feeling ... I am on my knees for you too. How comforting to remember that our thoughts are not His and our ways are not His either ... I pray that alone gives you a peace beyond all imagination.

Holly said...

....praying for you. for strength, for clarity, for answers.