Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A few days later she found out that one of the guys in Reese's group had been killed. We don't know what happened or if his injury and the death were related in any way. But the soldier who died has a wife and young kids.
Heather was grateful that he got hurt and laid-up because she said for whatever reason, she always had a very unsettling feeling about this mission.
Jesus - please keep Reese and his men safe, along with all the other men and women who continue to fight. Help them to see, but be unseen. Surround them with a wall of angels. Watch over their families. Bring them all home safe. Be with the family of the fallen soldier. Help them to feel your peace. Comfort them and bring support for them. Help them to remember long and heal quick. Amen.
Yesterday, I had to throw away about a 1/2 of a big cookie...you know..the pie-size ones with the icing. Yes...I ate a 1/3 of it by myself (the other 1/3 the kids had). But I couldn't stop...so I finally made myself put it down the disposal...don't get me wrong...I REALLY wanted to eat all of it.
The day before I just wanted to eat dark chocolate. My weaknesses....dark chocolate and soft chocolate chip cookies....and if they have icing...all the better. I think it would be nice to just be able to eat that stuff and not get fat or have any health problems. I really would enjoy that.
So - that being said....it's surprising that I haven't gained any weight!! HA!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
So, in the future, please give us a break. We will have a much better relationship. We will still get you the results you want, but much more gently.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday night my sisters and mom sent Eric and I out of the house so we could go on a date.
The first one we've had since the end of January. For us, that's a long time.
And I love having fancy dates. I love getting 100% out of mommy mode. My mom treated my sisters and I to pedicures and manicures that morning at Aveda so I had fresh pretty nails. I decided to wear a semi-formal dress because I had it and I never wear it...kind of like using your good china. What good is it if you don't use it...and how fun to use it for normal, everyday use?? So I got fancy!! We went to a nice restaurant and had yummy food.
Then we went looking for a jazz club that we found to be closed due to renovations. So we drove around until we found something. We ended up at a Wine Bar that had live jazz until 11pm!! Great...but it was already 10:45!! So we sat and listened to the last couple of songs and had a drink and headed home.
I love reconnecting with my husband. I love hearing his thoughts and ideas. I love that he shares his heart with me on so many levels. I love hearing his dreams and goals and I love that he wants to hear about mine. I love that he respects me and that he encourages me to take care of myself and get out of mommy mode...because he understands that he benefits from that as much as I do!! I love that he still opens doors for me and that he likes to sit next to me in a booth at the restaurant instead of across from me. I love that he will be silly with me. I love the way he loves me.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I know kids enjoy balloons. They all enjoy getting them and watching them float up and away. It's a natural way of kid-life.
Then there is Tyler. He is enamored with balloons. Completely obsessed. Last year at his birthday party we had balloons...a lot of them and it was too much for the poor boy. He was very disturbed and was trying to keep track of all of them.
At my cousin's wedding last summer they purposely filled the dance floor with white balloons with ribbon long enough to touch the floor. I thought he would float away with as many as he carried around that night.
I asked him what kind of presents he wanted for his birthday this year...which we are celebrating on Saturday...and he said, "I don't need any presents...only just balloons." What 3 year old says "I don't need presents!"? I'm 32 and I still want presents!!
I realized tonight that our grocery store gives away a free balloon to each kid as you leave. Simple pleasures...a whole evening of entertainment and happy kids. Seriously. They pretended (at Tyler's leadership) that the balloons were sleeping in a box, then they'd all go lay on the floor in a room and sleep with the balloons. If one of the girls got bored...he was right there to pick up their balloon and carry it too.
I'm grateful to have an object that brings such joy to my son...and to have a grocery store who gives them away for free!!!
Monday, April 21, 2008
I went to visit Amber's potential school on Friday and it was better than I had thought. Not bad. A passionate and caring teacher and speech pathologist. I found she will do all the extra curricular activities (art, pe, recess, lunch..etc...) with one of the kindergarten classes. Then she returns to the self-contained class for reading and english and all the really important core learning. It would be fine for her. I still don't like the uniforms.
Eric and I spent time talking on Friday and I am moving forward with the paperwork process, but will not send her this year. I will take the rest of this year and the summer to really research options and to look into homeschooling them for a year and putting them both in kindergarten in '09-'10. I am at peace with this part of the decision.
I found one of my biggest issues I'm having is that I have twins. If it was just Amber it would be different. But I have Camryn too. I don't mind if my girls are in different classes and I could manage if they had to go to different schools, but I don't want them in different grade levels. Maybe that's something I have to come to grips with as a possible reality.
What if started both girls this fall and Amber was retained but not Camryn. What if I put Amber in school this year but not Camryn (because the teacher says that most of the HH kids are retained) expecting Amber would be retained, then she's not and Cam's not in school. What if? Can I live my life in a "what if" stage? NO!!! Do I want to face any of this as reality? NO!!! I want both girls to start kindergarten together...and 1st grade together. Is that too much for a mother to ask? My desire, my heart desire in the deepest part of my heart...overflowing at the top...is that both of my girls are ready to enter kindergarten at the same time and excel through to 1st grade with no retention.
Does that mean homeschooling for a year? Maybe. What if I can't give my hard of hearing daughter everything she needs at home? What DOES she need? How do I know?
Pray for wisdom and peace and for knowledge and a box of "HOW TO GUIDE" on my door step!! :O)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
YEA!!! I look human again. The first thing she said to me was "your hair looks funny. This is a terrible cut." I was like...ok - I hope it gets better!!
This isn't quite the perfect look, I'm still learning how to make it straight and smooth without the help of my flatiron because she said i was using that too much and scorching my hair. As nice as she was, she was a bit of a hair nazi. (Like the soup nazi from Seinfeld...you understand)...
Anyway - it's pretty again!!!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
For the most part this is good and this is why my friends and my husband like me...or part of the reason. I enjoy being like this too. However....it also gets me in trouble. When I don't have an opinion it means I don't know what I want. It means I don't like making decisions and would prefer people to make them for me. It also means I tend to step back and throw my hands up and say, "Never mind...if it's going to be a fight I don't want to do it." That's bad.
Today I have to go visit a school for my daughter that I don't like. I understand I don't have to send her here and that she doesn't have to be in kindergarten for another year and a half. She doesn't HAVE to be. The problem is they keep saying I have choices...but I don't. My daughter needs sign language right now. Sure, one day she probably will do fine without the saturation of communication...but right now...until we know what her hearing will do...and until she understands it...she really does need it...for the times she can't hear anything.
This is the only school that provides sign language. But why would Amber be the ONLY preschooler? Seriously!? SERIOUSLY!!!??? Where the hell are all the other kids? This isn't fair for my daughter to be BY HERSELF IN A CLASSROOM!!! HOW THE HELL CAN SHE LEARN TO BE SOCIAL AND TO BE ANYTHING IN A CLASS FROM 9:15 AM - 3:45 PM BY HERSELF?! Where are her peers?
So what if I don't put her in here this year....that's probably what will happen, she won't go right now. But this won't change. When she's ready to go in a year, then she will have missed a year of school....before kindergarten. Why will she miss a year? Because she'll make the cut-off for kindergarten and if I choose to wait a year they won't provide services...not that I would consider these services. And don't tell me to hold her back for a second year in kindergarten because kindergarten is not what it was 30 years ago. It's graded, it's homework, it's pass or fail, it's like 2nd grade was!!! It's not the same.
I need to learn to stand up and fight. To stomp and scream and say THIS IS NOT OK!!!
I need a stone....I need a stone in my pocket to remind me of the giant I am fighting and to remind me that I have THE BEST weapon. HE has gone before me already. He knows my path this afternoon, next week, next year, 2 years from now. HE knows how I will fight and the outcome. HE will equip me with what I need to fight. HE will hold me up when I am weary and bring people to fight with me. HE IS MY ROCK.
He is on MY SIDE!!
And Stacy...don't forget...this isn't a fight you are fighting for YOU. This is about the little girl who just crawled up in your lap and is laying on your chest. She doesn't have a voice. Speak loudly for HER!!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I did a zumba class today. It's a Latin dance class. It was good....would have been better if it were swing music!!
I would really like a massage and a pedicure and a good toffee nut latte...with whip. Or a nice cosmopolitan or glass of wine. Definitely dark chocolate with any of that would be good. Do you know that the movie 27 Dresses comes out on the 29th? Can't wait! If you haven't seen it, make sure you rent it...great chick flick.
OOO...I hear my husband putting in a movie!!! I think he's trying to lure me out of the computer room. It's going to work. bye!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
We were doing a "cleansing" breathe and you inhaled through your nose, then you stuck your tongue out and curled it like a taco and did 8 quick exhaling puffs. It WAS funny!
And there was one point where they taught us that if we held our fingers in a certain way and said the name of an object that we had lost, 3 times, then we would find it. That was funny too.
After that it was just stretching and breathing for and hour and 10 minutes. It was actually very refreshing and I didn't even fall over!! I'll do it again!
Ok - 3 posts today is a bit obsessive...I still have dishes on the counter from last night!
Amber's is yellow.
Camryn's is green.
Tyler's is blue.
Life revolves around these. We can be driving around town and let's say Tyler sees a school bus. First, it's always exciting to see a bus...then it's exciting because he'll say, "Amber...it matches your nite-nite". In which she responds..."Yea...id guz mack my nite-nite!"
It can be a car or a flower or a person's shirt...but whenever there is a "match" it is very exciting!!
OK - off to my first yoga class. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I laugh at the thought and I'm still excited.
At the same time, I don't know that she's ready to just go into a class with an interpreter. I think she'd miss too much. Eventually that's an option, but not yet.
Monday was the first time in years that I cried as long and as hard as I did about this. My brain was (and still is) full of so many different thoughts that I can't sort through them. It's overwhelming. And when I finally fell on my knees to pray and read His words...He told me, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways". (Isaiah 55:8). It was the first thing I read in my devo and I just sat there with my jaw on the bed.
I know I should have peace, and I know as I continue to let go of this I will have that peace. I think as mother I am terrified of making the wrong decision and I think any of my options right now are wrong. I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. But I'm not giving up and I am going to fight because she deserves a mother who will fight for her and that HAS to be me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
My kids were busy "decorating" a tree outside with "ornaments"...anything that had a handle or hook. I'm trying to get them to do it again so I can get a picture. They would come in periodically and watch the tournament. It doesn't matter that it could have been the 8th shot on a par 3. When the ball went in the hole, all 3 kids would shout in excitement "HE DID IT!!!" The only saw the success. If only I had this kind of encouragment follow me around all day!!
At the same time it helps me to remember to be like that with my kids. Tyler is really into buckling his own car seat right now. Do you know how difficult it is to sit there for 5 minutes...hands off...and watch him do this? But I keep thinking...this is HIS time, and my God-given opportunity to be patient, loving and full of self-control. And it's a mini party every time he gets it done and he's so proud of himself.
I need to remember to be my kids' biggest fan and cheering section. I want them to know they CAN do it by themselves, but I'm more than happy to help...and available to help...if they need it. I want to be the one there on the sideslines encouraging them on and no matter how long it takes, I don't want the attitude of "UGH...it's about time!" I want the attitude of "AWESOME!!! I knew you could do it!!"
I should have gotten a bigger latte this morning...mine is already gone and I want more! **Humph**
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Then, I knew we'd need a vet eventually, but we got the dogs updated on their shots just before we left so I think..."We are good for awhile."...right? WRONG. 10:30 last night I have to do my first ever vet ER run.
We were afraid that Maggie was getting a blockage in her stomach/intestines so we decided to take her...I took her because I'm much more of an emotional basketcase and being involved helps. Thank you Eric for recognizing that gently and knowing how to handle it. It wasn't bad and the xrays were inconclusive but nothing obviously life threatening. My options came down to taking her home and monitoring her or leaving her over night so they could put an IV in her and then re-xray her in the morning....for $1000!!! Thank you....I'll take my dog with me. Thank you Lisa for suggesting that the dog is probably dehydrated and telling me to give her a bunch of gatorade....she's doing much better.
Why does God give me emergencies to introduce me to things? I think it's to remind me that He is in control and to not panic, but to let Him handle it. To set aside my agenda...which gets in my way A LOT...and to rely on His not so predictable agenda...which is always what I need. At what point does He say, "Ok - she's done learning, she gets it." Probably never. I'm glad I have to rely on God. Think of how much more of a basketcase I'd be if I didn't.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Great job!!! You have done 1 full week of structured workout. I know the 5 am gym time is tough, but I also know you KNOW you like it. Your legs are like jello right now because you worked your butt off...or your legs. Keep the momentum. Remember...you like the way this feels. Yes, there are cookies in the pantry calling your name, and 1 never hurts anyone...but don't kid yourself....you don't stop at one. It's the 4-5 that follow that hurt!!! Stay strong, you're doing good. Hang in there. 30 days to set a habit....you've got 23 to go. Take advantage of the opportunities God puts infront of you. When He nudges quietly because He's gentle....respond loudly because you want to give it your all.
Well, it didn't last much longer than my ability to realize what had happened. Kids were in the room needing "help" going to the bathroom...meaning they just want me out of bed and to stand by the door. I tried bananas and fruit bars to keep them in their room so I could have a bowl of cereal and coffee with Eric before he left for work. It worked off and on, I finally gave up. I even had one of them in time out with a spanking before 8. nice.
Eric and I were able to sit outside on the back deck and had a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee together. The morning was on the warm side of brisk, but not warm yet, the breeze was absent. The cars and trucks weren't driving around yet. The neighborhood kids were not out running around. I suspect they are enjoying their last day off from spring break, and sleeping in.
It was just the birds outside. And they were busy. You can hear all of them around the area. Some in the trees in my yard, and some far off. It's like a morning serenade. Of course, there is always that one bird that tries to sing along and it just doesn't work....the dove. As pretty and elegant as people try to make these things out to be...when they try to sign along with all the others, they just sound like something dying or with laryngitis. Although I empathize with them because that's how I feel when I sing...I can make myself cringe.
I'm off to try a "sculpting" class today. No, not with clay...the kind that will kick my butt at the gym. I figure the key to working out and having success is to switch it up and to challenge yourself. right?! "yes Stacy, that's right....good job. you'll be glad you did it."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
When my husband needed a new job but didn't have time to find one...one found him.
When we needed our house to sell fast....it sold in one week.
When we needed to find a rental with so many needs, HE provided it for us.
When a baby is born at 28 weeks, HE breathes for that baby so machines don't have to.
When a little girl is having seizures and we pray it's "nothing"...the neurologist agrees!
When our brave family members are sent overseas to protect us, GOD protects them.
When I'm in need of a friend...HE nudges one calls out of the blue.
When I need a hug...HE gave me 6 tiny arms that can give THE BEST hugs.
When I need unconditional love....HE died for me and gave me knees to talk to him.
When I need more than kid hugs...HE gave me an amazing husband who is more than I ever dreamed about.
So...what is impossible for my GOD?
NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Two things ran through my head today. 1) I remembered the time Eric and I were in separate cars and went through the Starbucks drive through. He was ahead of me and when it was my turn the guy in the window looked at me a bit strange and said, "The guy in front of you wanted me to give you his number." Then he handed a piece of paper to me with Eric's number on it!!! I just died.
2) Swings. My kids LOVE swings. They love the baby swings and usually 2 will go back-to-back in one swing. They love to swing. I HATE swings. Let me tell you why. Because we only have 2 in our backyard and the kids fight like dogs over them. Someone is always left out. At a park, they just whine about the swings...I make them go play on the play equipment and be active...I'm so mean. They could swing ALL day if I let them.
But yesterday Eric was mowing the lawn and put the swings up so that he could mow easier. I LOVE this...I haven't taken them down and the kids actually played happy together for an hour outside. They'd ask for them every once in awhile and I'd tell them the swings are in time out. That was that. This made me happy.
OOO....My dad got the job in D.C. That means in June my parents will be moving within 7 hours of me!! Woohoo!!
Ok - i need to go eat strawberries with whip cream and some dark chocolate. Eric's at the Y...so I get the remote!!! YES!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
On the way out of our neighborhood there were four girls that we came upon (it was dark outside) and they were standing there in our headlights dancing at us...just to be silly. I chuckled. Eric asked what they were doing and I said, "just being girls". Totally something I would have done as a young teenager...stood in front of an oncoming car and goofed off...just to be "cool".
Then it came to me...the time in my adolescence that I remember thinking I was SO cool. I was probably 12 and living in Virginia. Somehow I had acquired a pair of high-heal (the wooden high-heel), suede short boot, boots. Black I think. Anyway, I remember thinking they made me look SO much older than I was...and so much cooler than I was. So for probably a week, after school, I would change into my boots and my "outfit"...Lord only knows what the rest of it was...I just remember there was an outfit...and boots. Amazing boots. My best friend and next door neighbor (same person), Alex, would come over and help me put my hair in a "side" pony tail and tease/rat it up. Totally 80s. sweet. She would find something comparable to wear...of course it wasn't anything like mine. Then we would strut. We would strut up the street and down the street....in the middle of the street...being silly and trying to attract attention (not that there was a lot to be attracted). And whatever attention we would attract we would somewhat acknowledge...yet still ignore...because of course I had boots that were too cool.
It made me laugh to remember that tonight.
Friday, April 4, 2008
This whole thing about choosing to take the opportunity that God has presented was inspired by the movie EVAN ALMIGHTY. (Sequal to BRUCE ALMIGHTY). At one point "God" is speaking with "the wife" (without her knowing it's HIM) about the situation of her husband being called to build an arc. He said..."When we pray for courage, does God give us courage, or the opportunity to be courageous?" "When we pray for patience, does God give us patience, or the opportunity to be patient?" God presented the opportunity for me to be wide awake this morning...and I even tried to crawl back into bed again...and he so kindly nudged me again. Not forcing me, not making me...but allowing me to choose. Was it painful? YES! I can barely push the lid back on the milk jug without pain, but the hour of time that I had by myself was great. I started reading a book called "The Mission of Motherhood"....which is amazing already. This was some good amazing "ME" time. I pray I can keep it up!
So...how did this happen? How on earth did I manage to get out of bed and drag my sorry butt to the gym? God gave me the opportunity.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
This week we joined the Y. Today, I met with a personal trainer and she wrote me get a structured workout routine and walked me through it...rep by painful rep. But it felt so good. Now...tomorrow I may not be able to type...but today I feel great. I felt accomplished and taller and not quite like a deadbeat mom.
Now...onto the mounds of laundry that Eric so kindly started for me...that I have yet to finish.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
most likely to astound me with some deep theological thought: CAMRYN
most likely to do something strange: AMBER
most likely to say something strange: Toss-up...CAMRYN/AMBER
most likely to fall down and get hurt: AMBER
most likely to whine and beg to get her way out of something: AMBER...or at least tries to
most likely to throw things: TYLER
most likely to say "no" to my face: AMBER...but mostly they don't dare
most likely to disobey quietly, flying under the radar: CAMRYN
most likely to have a violent outburst with kicking and screaming: TYLER
most likely to talk to strangers: CAMRYN
most likely to hide from strangers: AMBER
most likely to go with a stranger: CAMRYN
most likely to play quietly by themself: CAMRYN or AMBER
most likely to play loudly by themself: this only exists in 3s...much more fun and loud that way
most likely to get into trouble quietly by themself: TYLER
most likely future college professor: CAMRYN
most likely college athlete: AMBER/TYLER
most likely college heartthrob: They'll all compete